Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
