Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
