We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize