New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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