I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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