dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
