morning after pill = breakfast in bed
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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