I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize