I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
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