Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
