My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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