Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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