first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
