Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize