The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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