You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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