he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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