Porn is love you can see.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
