I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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