I molested 6 butterflies tonight
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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