I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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