onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
