yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
