my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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