those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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