i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
