Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just pee around me
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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