Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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