I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
