i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Damn victory sex feels great
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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