We need to rekindle our bromance
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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