how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
