my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
