i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
