Plan B is the new Plan A
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
