i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
