I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize