just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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