my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
