Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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