Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
