Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just pynch a tree in the face
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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