I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
