I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
