Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The air was thick with penises
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
