i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
