I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
