hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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