last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
