Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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