Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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