I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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