: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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