I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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