Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
